User talk:Lost Forever0
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the The Chuckler page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! EmpyrealInvective (talk) 20:41, July 7, 2015 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 20:47, July 7, 2015 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 20:47, July 7, 2015 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 20:49, July 7, 2015 (UTC) Re: Story The story was not up to quality standards, it had a number of issues wrong with it. Here are the ones I spotted when I read through it the first time. (Note, this is not a comprehensive list.) Wording issues: "Mandie was only 14 but was rather insane acting, she had seen many things no one should, and would chuckle uncontrollably at the mention or sight of death.". "it's self to you" (itself), "It's where children with no family to take (care) of them to go.", "a (an) ear piercing scream", "looked at her self (herself) in the mirror." Grammatical issues: it's=it is, its=possession. "it's face was horrid.", ", it's face had pure black eyes", " it's snake like tongue" (Also snake-like should be hyphenated.), "It's jaw is disconnected ", " I'm it's passage to freedom", etc. Punctuation issues: "David(comma missing) leave the poor child alone(comma missing) she is just scared of the lightning! Get away from Mandie right now David!", ""Hello(comma missing) what is your emergency?", ""Honey(,) is there something going on at school that you aren't telling me about?", ""Well yes my bullying, but I have something else, a lot worst."" etc. Periods missing from titles and abbreviations. ""Mrs(.) and Mr(.) Frost this is Mandie," Capitalization issues: ""Bye bye bitch." She (she) chuckled", "Happy birthday Mandie! We have an extra surprise for you!" The (the) orphanage owner,", etc. Story issues: I would suggest looking over the Cliche list and this guide on OC/CPCs. Your story falls into a lot of commonly overused tropes. Abused protagonist who is bullied, deformed in some way, that snaps and murders people. Story issues cont.: Mandie murders her adoptive mother for little to no reason and in a pretty ridiculous manner. "...the plunger for the toilet. She grabbed it and stuck in to her mother's face and soon her mother died of suffocation,"But then again, what goes around comes around." This story feels more like a method for introducing your character than a story itself. (You spend multiple paragraphs describing her clothes and physical appearance. The screamer has little to no build-up before the therapist's appointment and Mandie mentions it suddenly with little to no goading. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 22:01, July 7, 2015 (UTC) :I would suggest taking your next story to the writer's workshop for feedback (a link is in the deletion message above). It's a good place to strengthen a story. (In fact, a few months back, a story that started out on there won PotM.) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 01:17, July 8, 2015 (UTC) ::Here is a copy. I would strongly suggest writing into a document next time so you have a copy. The story was not up to quality standards and had multiple Cliched elements. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 01:32, July 8, 2015 (UTC)